Diary entry_Sweden_26th Mar’18_12:05 AM_Complexity!

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. And I observe & laugh again!!

We live in a society where we objurgate a liar and at the same time have difficulty accepting the truth. We live with double standards, we live in secrecy. Let’s accept it that somewhere we all have concealed thoughts. Someone may have secret feelings and some may have covert fears. Some may have hidden ambitions and some may have secret faith. What do we say about secret love and admirers? Unseeable memories and emotional pain do exist. We all have them. In the moments of solace, we face our otherwise masked thoughts and keep them intact until another such moment comes.

The enigma of life has always amazed me. Perhaps it is the love, propriety, insecurities, pragmatic needs, fear of being judged or responsibilities that keeps people from bringing out the innermost thoughts known only to them.

The Creator has played very smartly… We have been bestowed with the ability to know people but we cannot, under any situation or circumstance read a person’s mind… no matter how close a relationship that may be. In all (brutal) honesty, believing that we know someone in and out is a myth!

So, in a nutshell, no matter how transparent we may call ourselves to be, deep down we all have a side that is known ONLY to us. We all have a secret life. We all have undisclosed truths. We all have our own masks.

There is nothing like an open book!

Diary entry_Sweden_1st Mar’18_5:30 AM_Mixed feelings!

Well, it does matter; even though I said thousands of time that it doesn’t!

I was about to turn 33 and it made me feel a little strange. Mixed feelings in all veracity! On one hand, I was delighted that I had lived 32 years of my life and had been through a lot, really a lot of experiences. When I see young girls do crazy stuff, I smile and say in my head – I have been there and done that. So I kind of felt accomplished and grateful at the same time. Also, I feel more worthy now for I have a life, oh, two lives to really take care of and they make me feel like a superwoman. But the flip side of the coin is that no matter how lovely a feeling it is to grow old and feel a little more in control of yourself, to feel more confident in being just you, to feel more open and accommodating to everything, to feel more forgiving than before, to feel more choosy about all that you want in life; there is a thump, a stiff blow that pulls down my spirits and makes me feel ‘old’. The Squash court was the first one to make me realize that I was not as ‘energetic’ as I used to be and that my stamina drained a bit as compared to last year. I so disliked my racket and the court at that moment. To be honest – even today! So there I was, perspiring! Sulking! I wanted my ever wandering crazy thoughts to halt for some time and accept that almost half of my life was already lived, I only had (optimistically) half more to go!

Is it right that age is just a number? I don’t think so. Something does change. Something does happen to you. While talking to a colleague at work, I casually mentioned how parched my thoughts were about my approaching birthday. Contrastingly, in yesteryears, I used to start counting the days two months in advance. I looked sleep deprived a week before. The excitement was uncontrollable and my dreamy world had all kinds of plans ready – their execution not decided though; but the surreal ideas existed way before the D day. My birthday dress used to be sorted and the list of people to attend my birthday treat was decided almost a month before. This is how I was until I turned 30.

The number ‘30’ brought an automatic, interesting change in my perception and birthdays to me looked more meaningful, if spent in presence of loved ones. I changed my notion of spending extravagant and glamorous birthdays to a soft private affair. I got attracted to love more than gifts and quality over quantity of birthday calls and messages. It didn’t matter whether I dressed in new clothes, what mattered though was whether someone made me feel special or not. Then by 32, I was a mother and I felt ecstatic when my daughter clapped for me humming the birthday song in her own way. That was special, I believed! So reiterating, something does change with age. Willingly or unwillingly, something does change!

I remember the time when I was young, in the early twenties, or when I was a lass (this sounds better) I looked at ‘women’ in thirties as someone so grown up and mature. Now, that the tables have turned, I am sure I am looked at in the same way by other young girls. Amidst all this, I asked myself, am I happy? ‘Yes’ came a prompt reply from within. ‘Would I want to go back and live the same age again?’ ‘No’ was a swift response. It won’t be exciting to be in the same place or age forever. So, even though I have mixed feelings about growing old, I am absolutely sure that I would not want to stay in the twenties forever. Or in the thirties or forties and so on.

Berthing the assorted emotions at the wharf, for now, I believe that birthdays are always charming. It’s one day of the year that is only yours or someone’s for that matter. 364 days may go unnoticed, but this one day makes one realize how important their existence is to others. How much valued they are! It’s a day to reflect and rejoice. It’s a day to express. It’s a day to speak with the loved ones. So coming back to where I began – if I say that I do not feel excited about my birthdays or if I say that birthdays don’t matter because it’s just a day; within myself, I know, we all know that it does matter. Birthdays are and will always be exceptional.

After all, growing old has its own appeal!

What’s left, matters!

In this phase of life, I have become somewhat greedier. My thirst for venturing into new places and travel to new countries has increased manifolds and I have, in a true sense, become a voracious traveler.

Someone looked at the fridge magnets that I collect from every city, every country I go to and expressed appreciation. I swiftly pointed at the globe in my apartment to show how much more there still is to explore.

As per a calculation, I have just covered 11% of the world that includes 20 countries and 76 cities around the globe. It’s not something I want to bask in the glory of, it’s alarming that there is 89% of the world to be covered with I don’t know how much time  in hand.

My bucket list includes – NYC, Antarctica, Brazil, Kenya and Jordan for sure. Actually, everything is on my wish list. O God, if you are listening, please be kind to allow me to see as many places as I can before you call me to rest in your abode, forever!

******Been there and seen that -******

Mauritius

Denmark

France

Netherlands

Sweden

UK

Wales

Scotland

Italy

Spain

Switzerland

Czech Republic

Hungary

Finland

Indonesia

Malaysia

Vatican

Monaco

Belgium

India

Prague

What a lovely city it is!! So mysterious… so romantic and so ancient.

It wasn’t long before I marked this city off from my bucket list. Something always attracted me towards it. As if, something – someone – was calling me there… and to my surprise, I fell in love with the place as soon as I put my first step out on the road.

The town square is full of life and Charles Bridge is unparalleled to any other that I have seen so far. The musicians add such a charisma to the town! Wherever you go, you cannot miss following or being followed by exceptionally lovely cafes, music and lots of people. The narrow lanes seem to narrate the history of their existence and the dark nights only add to the eeriness of the city.

When in Prague, do not expect the localities to be over friendly; they are reserved in their own way. The nightlife offered by the city is worth a mention and praise. Do not miss the very traditional Czech Republican Trdelnik for desserts and be sure to add some extra pounds to your body. The beer lovers will find their joy in the local beers that are globally proclaimed for their taste and feel.

The architecture of the city will sweep you off your feet and you will be left in complete awe of the artistic touch that the city is known for. Every corner of this old city is adorned with audacious and loud sculptures and  I am sure they will leave you to wonder about the thought that created them.

All in all, I am not done with the city yet and will find my way there sometime again in the future. Who knows, I might have some roots linked to this mysterious place!

This is a funny world!!

This is truly a funny world that we live in!

The backstabbers are polite on your face. The one who really loves you might not always show that. The promises are nothing less than mere sentences and words are weighed as the lightest possible thing. The vulnerability of close relationships surprises me! Sometimes, it’s easy for people to walk past the past and sometimes, it takes ages for someone to come out of it. Sometimes, there’s always an unfinished ‘something’ between two people and sometimes long associations smoothly come to an end. Why do acrimonious relations exist? It’s either good or not be there at all.

I find so much similarity between the ostentatious food of a flashy café and some people; both are so unsubstantial. What’s with the world and pompous behavior? People who have known (and ‘loved’) you since childhood are the ones to play dirty games. Are their dominating insecurities to be blamed for this? Knowingly or unknowingly, we block the harmless and make room for a few hurtful people in our lives. Sometimes, strangers metamorphose into lifetime friends. The fickleness of human mind with some feeble bond is a deadly combination. What we perceive as forever and beyond is nothing less than an illusion. What we think doesn’t have a future goes on until eternity. It’s distressing to observe that many people can’t live what really makes them happy. It’s more upsetting to see that some people live a lie all throughout their lives.

Amidst all this, I stand muddled!! My leery thoughts make me question the piousness of relations, the piousness of this world. The more I try to understand, the more lessons I am taught. Malice thoughts, breaking ties, false commitment, misunderstandings and thwarted conversations scares me. I feel that with time, we should grow as we change. We should empathize than just listen. It’s sad but true that we are not living in an ideal world!