Diary enrty_Sweden_19th Sep’19_11:17 PM_Thoughts again!

It is dark now… very dark! I sit here alone looking outside, trying to listen to the beautiful silence, which has so much to say! Autumn is settling in and very soon the trees will start to change their colors. I actually like these changes because they depict a moving life. They tell me that change is the only constant and that believing in the permanency of something is only foolishness. When nothing in this world in perpetual, not even love and life, then why do we conceive the idea of living so gravely? What are we so scared of? After all, this is just life, my life, your life!

A life that allows us to change our minds when we want to. To change our heart. It is no crime to want to wake up like a different person one morning and not want to do something we’ve been doing all our life. We’re allowed to choose who to love and who to move away from. We’re allowed to live without baggage and regret. Importantly, we’re allowed to make mistakes. To learn from them or to not learn from them. It is okay to see those mistakes as the experience of life. We are allowed to forget our past if we want to. Something we once were or something we once lived is not who we are today. It’s allowed to live a guilt-free life. At the same time, we’re also allowed to live in the bygone years but it will not help us to grow. We’re allowed to switch careers, to dress inversely, to chase our own dreams, to change locations, even if it makes us terrified to do so. We’re allowed to experiment and be adventurous. We’re allowed to breathe!

Pondering further, I come to realize that amidst all the changes there is still something static, something that is not influential. We can’t change the way we are. We question, we reason and we feel. We are on a continuous journey, where we meet people and gather experiences. We are learning every day. We should embrace the fact that sometimes our heart changes faster than our mind and our mind doesn’t always know what to do. It is okay with not knowing everything!

… And here comes my beloved, my friend, my soulmate – The moon! My abstract thoughts return from deep within. Yet again, I admire the Moon’s unparalleled beauty and wonder how something can look so surreally alluring. It smiles at me and asks for stories. Tales that are fresh. I beckon with a smile and blush. I fix my gaze on the grey above and share many new stories with the keeper of my secrets. As always, it listens and understands. Oh, dear Moon, why do I love you so much?

It’s only the silence of the night, the brightness of the Moon and my thoughts doing the talking now. I let them take over. I let them communicate. I let them listen. Oh Moon, don’t let the clouds envelop you, for this story is long. Please stay with me tonight before you disappear in the vastness!

Set out…

Some things never change – like the joy of dancing in rain or relishing the petrichor that is left behind. Call me an old school girl, but the scent of handwritten letters sealed inside an envelope is unparalleled too. I go speechless when I think of my endless love for Moon and the way it connects with me; yes, somethings never change!

There is also something magical about long drives, something about being in a car and going somewhere, somewhere far, away from the hustle-bustle or amidst the hustle-bustle, but going to a distant place… something so enigmatic about it all! This is one joy that I have not been able to find a match for, even after so many years. Looking outside that small window, in peace – it does something to you, something unknown. It awakens you from the inside, makes you reminisce. It does make you wonder… Takes you back to the time you once lived and makes you think about the people you once met or loved. Sometimes, it makes you remember all the people you once shared your lives with, the ones you loved and lost. The ones you had to let go. These people can be anyone, a distant relative or someone close. I can’t say whether it is a song or just the silence of the road that brings back these people from the oblivion to your present moment. I don’t know! All I know is that driving does this to you – it makes you remember them and wonder if they’re okay. It makes you wonder if they, too, sometimes wonder about you.

A long drive to any place will do that to you! It will make you remember where you came from, your roots. Sometimes, you will get nostalgic thinking about your childhood and sometimes, you will smile remembering your youth. You unknowingly increase the volume of a song that touches some hidden, untold chords deep inside. You remember family and relatives. Cousins you once played with – those silly pranks and irrational games – they all come to life! You want to go back in time and relive those moments one more time, perhaps, one last time. You feel the sudden urge to make a few phone calls.

A long drive will do that to you. It will either bring out the past and break your heart all over again or make you smile for all the memories and experiences you have gained so far. It will have an effect for sure – it soothes you, relaxes your senses and prepares you for the next challenge; a long drive is always worth it!

Dreamer Me!

Damn!! I want to fall asleep again…

I try hard, turn sides, count from 1-100, hum lengthiest songs on mute.. but can’t go back to where I was woken up from.. from a dream, which, when I think now, was insanely unrealistic but I loved being a part of it. I want to know what next was to follow. I want to feel the same rush of emotions through me. I want to see where it would have ended. I want to remember where it began from. I don’t want to let it go… I want to be there, in that scene, even if it means dreaming again!!

Why is life unfair at times? Like, right now.
Or is it extremely fair? Like, I was made to see and be a part of what I would have loved, but since it could never be my reality, I was offered to experience it in the dreams.
Fair enough? Should I rejoice or remorse? I don’t know!!

Whatever it is, dreams are crazily beautiful. They allow us to be silly, wild, irrational, quixotic and abstract at times. Sometimes dreams make us super happy. Well, does that count? Sometimes when they leave us scattered and shocked, we are thankful that it was just a dream. How conveniently we change!!

…And yes, I accept that I am a dreamer… for my love for the Moon is unparalleled. We whisper and share stories. When the Moon is away, I create stories in my dreams. And some, like this one today, is left unfinished. I won’t leave the conclusion on the leaps of my imagination; rather I will sleep tonight in a hope to continue from where I stopped. Or to start a new tale. I will find my way through the moonlight, dream again and punish myself by seeing the dawn before anyone else!!

I am a big girl now!

‘Bcuz I am a Biggggg girl now’…!!

Every time she says this, my heart skips a beat. I feel a thump in my heart and something doesn’t feel nice. I hate it as much as I take pride in seeing the beautiful person that she is growing into. Sometimes emotional, sometimes watery and sometimes my loving eyes look at her in sheer amazement. When did she grow so big? Wasn’t it yesterday when we announced that a girl, with absolute resemblance to her father, was born?

Many of her games have now become an oblivious history. We don’t remember them, we don’t talk about them. Her ability to express what she wants brings a sense of joy but also (indirectly) implies about her self sufficiency, which distances her dependence on me. I do not take off her shoes and socks anymore, I do not sit with a glass of water waiting for her to finish drinking, bedtime stories have replaced the lullabies, her assertiveness has taken over the ‘I do not know how I feel’ emotion, pedaling her tricycle is the kind of new lap and stroller is nothing but an additional thing in the storeroom. I cry when I see her old videos and smile when I see her pretend and play!

With each week, day and minute, she is moving towards her individualistic life. With each second of the clock, she is drifting from dependent independence to an independent dependence; and I? Well, I happily witness this change and try to hold as much as I can in my memories. I wish I had the power to control the pace with which she is growing. But above all, I now understand what my mother must have felt when I once said –

‘Because I am a big girl now’!!

Diary enrty_Sweden_16th Oct_12:15 AM_Daunting thoughts!

That night I couldn’t sleep!!

It was a night analogous to many others in the past, yet, it was new. What was it? My daunting thoughts or my extreme fearlessness; my strength or timidity? My unparalleled independence or emotional dependence? I don’t know. All I know is that it was only the Moon, my wandering questions and myself that saw the midnight turn into dawn, and dawn into the morning!

Many times I ask myself – what is strength, And every-time I get caught in my own confusion. Is it standing for what is right or living with injustice? Is it being with someone against all odds or being able to live without someone inseparable? People often take pride in expressing how strong they are to live a life that they don’t like, a life that they never expected. Is this what strength implies? What do we call it when people fight the circumstances for what they want, to be with who they want to be with? Is that strength? Opposite implications of the same word!! The more I think about it, the more composite it sounds!

I don’t know all this at all.. What I know is that I want to live in a place where emotions are respected, where people genuinely care; where love isn’t a metaphor for sex. A place where silence is not misunderstood for timidity and aggression doesn’t stand for strength; where keeping promises mean self-pride and helping someone doesn’t imply expecting something in return. A place that is for real. A place where people are not considered crazy if they laugh all day long; where tears have value; Where the only colors known are the colors of flowers and not the colors of skin. A place where people are not judged on petite angles; where the senses breathe freely!!

If I continue to think about it now, I will have another night of listening to the clock tick every minute. So, I pull back my rambling thoughts, plug in my earplugs and listen to this evergreen track before I fall into slumber and let my dreams take over!!!

For, it’s life and it’s supposed to be complex!!


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