Diary entry_Sweden_28 Nov’17_07:30_Feel liberated!

Tired, I looked around. I managed to grasp a couple of more breaths. I had been running since long and wanted to halt for a moment. My perspiring body could stride no longer! I had been running for as fast as I could and for as long as I could. Yet, the finish line was not to be seen anywhere close. I sat on the road, midway, quiescently. I felt heavy. I felt intense.

All of my unwanted baggage was still there, intact. The pain, the hurts, and the melancholy were ubiquitous in my mind, thoughts, and soul. I presumed to have dropped them on the way, but I was so mistaken. I realized that there were chapters of my life that I didn’t go through very often; what it didn’t mean that they don’t exist anymore. They were right there, buried in a minuscule yet important corner of my heart and very seldom though, I would stumble on them and start my memory trip.

That moment, I laughed!! I cried!! I asked myself, why was I running for so long? Was I wrong to have believed that running in life’s race would help me shed off the extra pounds of unwanted feelings? Yes, I was. It’s funny that my ingenious thoughts never showed me the reality and I never questioned the routine!

I ran, I waited and that day I gave up. I understood that there was no end… Instead, I embraced everything, I accepted so much. I comprehended that we all are living our share of lives and we have different stories, paths, and destinations. One day, we will end differently. We think and act differently…. And that’s when I felt liberated. I was naïve… I thought this metamorphose would happen automatically. But in all veracity, it requires efforts. Hell lot of them! I wonder how easy life would have been if acceptance was to come naturally to human beings… ironically, that’s the most challenging thing to do.

When it’s difficult to shrug off what’s inside, it’s perspicacious to accept what it is; so that the harmonious relationship with yourself stays undamaged. Now, I am running no longer. I have taken off my baggage. My shoulder feels lighter and I feel gratified. There’s no way I could kill the thoughts in my mind. Smartly, I just decided to live with them in unity; and this has made me more intrepid. I am taking small strides towards my future, with my loved ones. I am investing in memories, as in the end that would be my fixed deposits that I will look back and feel happy about. They will be all my savings. They will reflect what I lived for from now on! ….. It’s easier to subscribe to healthy thoughts than die with unhealthy feelings!

Diary entry_Sweden_09 Nov’17 15:30_Wish texts had a voice!

What did I answer then?” I asked

Why that tone of authority?” replied a friend of mine.

Even after many years, these words rattle in my mind, with abated frequency though. “Tone of authority…” an intense accusation! I didn’t mean what I was misread and misheard for. Ever since that day, I have so wished that the text messages had a voice that could convey the right tone and flavor in which something is said.

Busy our lives are! The old school ways of keeping in touch with people through meeting and talking are now replaced by text messages. We choose to use chat messengers over everything else. Come on, give it to it. It’s convenient and I agree. But incidentally, in the background, it takes away a lot from us. Like many others, I have been at both, the sending and receiving end. And I know how smoggy it feels when you are misunderstood or when you misconstrue.

oh, I didn’t mean to say this”.. “You are taking it in a wrong direction” etc. etc. It’s funny to think that the aeons old saying “words once spoken cannot be taken back” should now be rephrased as “words once typed and sent cannot be taken back”.

Some days ago, I received a text from a friend that said “you are sooooooo wrong!” and this sentence was followed by two smileys like this 🙂 :). I stood muddled – How do I interpret it as? Was it a mere casual mention or something severe? Was she upset or not? It took me a while to ‘assume’ what she meant. And as Benjamin Franklin has said ‘despair ruins some, presumption many’, I preferred to have a dialogue than just live with an ambiguous thought about the situation and myself. Trust me you, it helped! We both laughed at the end of the chat and I had a good sound sleep that night.

I have seen associations getting dismantled, gradually, because, somewhere they couldn’t sustain the digital ways – texts and emails. And I wonder, how much can one express through texts, how much can one write? What about the words that want to mean something but are taken for a different meaning? What about the words that never get a chance to come out only, for not everyone can write what they want to say? I am an old school girl, I believe all problems exist in the absence of a good conversation. So my dear friends, dare to start a vocal dialog that matters because it will be worth it in the end. Sometimes, there’s a lot beyond what our minds can perceive!

Tonight, let me be…!

Let me be myself tonight, my love,

And hear the words flow out.

It has been eons without you,

Tonight, let me live one more time, one last time, one only time!

 

These trees that stand tall have seen many falls,

And they say that no matter what, life goes on.

But deep in their hearts, the trees also remember,

Their beloved leaves that left them last season.

Let me be myself tonight, my love,

And hear the words flow out.

The days have been blank without you,

Tonight, let me live one more time, one last time, one only time!

 

These mountains that smugly look at me, have heard many echoes,

And they convey that no matter what, people will come and go.

But deep in their hearts, there is a voice they can’t forget,

Whose resonance they wish to receive over and over again.

Let me be myself tonight, my love,

And hear the words flow out.

The life has been dead without you,

Tonight, let me live one more time, one last time, one only time!

 

This heart of mine that beats, strokes with pain,

And it utters that no matter what, joys and ache will always be there.

But deep in heart’s heart, it knows there is an agony that can never heal,

For the one who triggered it will never rebound to me.

Let me be myself tonight, my love,

And hear the words flow out.

The highs have been hollow without you,

Tonight, let me live one more time, one last time, one only time!

 

Let me say what you don’t know.

Let me hear what you won’t say.

Let only love set us free,

Let it be only you and me.

 

I know we don’t have a future,

I so wish the past always stayed.

Let me be myself this moment, my love,

And hear all that is buried inside.

The heart is not a graveyard,

And in my soul, we are very much alive.

 

This void is no good,

And so is the distance.

I know what you feel,

For I have known you all my life.

All I ask is for us to be ourselves, tonight, my love,

Let us live one more time, one last time, one only time!!

Sometimes, it’s never enough!!

When beauty & thoughts keep you awake!

Once again, I laugh!! Once again, I admire!! Once again, I learn!!

I laugh at myself, I admire the beauty and I learn another life’s lesson.

I laugh at myself as I stand at the window pane, in middle of the night, observing the still street and staring at this beautiful diamond up in the sky. I admire its unparalleled beauty and wonder how something can look so surreally alluring. I look at myself, I stand dishevelled!! I learn that life is ever changing. In fact, change is a healthy sign of living; yet there are somethings that never change. Tomorrow, today will be a history and today is the future of yesterday. Tonight, this graceful moon shines bright. It is living what seemed to be its future yesterday; tomorrow it will drizzle more and this night will be forgotten as a bygone day. Complicated, but true!!

I realize that life is not about admiring moon from the same window every night. Life is about moving, taking risk, dancing in the rain, walking in the woods, loving someone, smiling for no reason. Life is not about vying for anything with anyone, but running your race at your own pace. It’s ok to stumble, it’s ok to stop, and it’s ok to go slow. What’s not ok is to become a tree; immovable. Also, Life is all about expressing!!

Each morning reminds me that this day, good or bad, will never return in my life; no matter how hard I try. Each night retells that tomorrow I might not be lucky to sleep next to my beloved. Each day prompts that one fine day my story will end, unannounced! So, I choose to be expressive, daily. I choose not to have thwarted visions. I choose to spread joy. Sometimes I choose to cry. I choose to love. I choose to dream. I choose to dance. I choose not to give up. I choose to be crazy. Sometimes, I choose to be childish. I choose to write. I choose to be myself.

In a nutshell, in this ever changing life, what remains unchanged is ME and my values. We all have that one thing that stays with us, unaffected, unaltered and intact. Ever wondered what is it for you?

Diary Entry_Sweden_25th Oct’17_10:00 AM_Don’t be judgemental

So… I usually have long travel hours… many people pity with my situation and sometimes I myself feel how hectic my days have become but most of the times I take this as a blessing in disguise as this travel, is a forced ‘Me’ time, where I can choose to either work, read a book, listen to music, look outside the window or just take a power nap. And I seldom complain about these travels.

Today, I had an early start of the day. I braided my hair, grabbed a quick snack from the kitchen and enthusiastically boarded the bus. The reason I explicitly mention all this is because I ‘thought’ I was energetic. Luckily, my favourite seat in the bus was not occupied, which is the one in the second last row. I sat, all attentive, with a mind-set of preparing a rough draft of my busy day. I wanted to sort the to-do list, prioritize it and be constructive right at the start of the day.

But there I was, sliding in the seat every minute. Within no time, I dozed off. The bus continued to halt at every stop, only as if that made any difference to my slumber. There was one moment when I opened my eyes, my brain still asleep though. I saw a man staring at me from the other seat. He carried a confused look. I slept again.

When the bus reached office, the man was still observing me. I was like that baby who was woken up in front of the house after a school picnic – tired and disheveled. My hair was everywhere. My eyes looked swollen, I think. I rubbed my eyes, and even though I didn’t want to, I yawned. Sounds so ‘imperfect’, right? Well, yes, it was.

Washroom and coffee was all I needed. But what made me think about this whole journey throughout the day was the fact that I think I was being judged. The man probably couldn’t understand what made me so sleepy… and I do not complain. So friends, if you ever see someone like this, please don’t be an arbiter. The person might be a parent!!! I wish I could tell that man that I was one 😉