Some things never change – like the joy of dancing in rain or relishing the petrichor that is left behind. Call me an old school girl, but the scent of handwritten letters sealed inside an envelope is unparalleled too. I go speechless when I think of my endless love for Moon and the way it connects with me; yes, somethings never change!
There is also something magical about long drives, something about being in a car and going somewhere, somewhere far, away from the hustle-bustle or amidst the hustle-bustle, but going to a distant place… something so enigmatic about it all! This is one joy that I have not been able to find a match for, even after so many years. Looking outside that small window, in peace – it does something to you, something unknown. It awakens you from the inside, makes you reminisce. It does make you wonder… Takes you back to the time you once lived and makes you think about the people you once met or loved. Sometimes, it makes you remember all the people you once shared your lives with, the ones you loved and lost. The ones you had to let go. These people can be anyone, a distant relative or someone close. I can’t say whether it is a song or just the silence of the road that brings back these people from the oblivion to your present moment. I don’t know! All I know is that driving does this to you – it makes you remember them and wonder if they’re okay. It makes you wonder if they, too, sometimes wonder about you.
A long drive to any place will do that to you! It will make you remember where you came from, your roots. Sometimes, you will get nostalgic thinking about your childhood and sometimes, you will smile remembering your youth. You unknowingly increase the volume of a song that touches some hidden, untold chords deep inside. You remember family and relatives. Cousins you once played with – those silly pranks and irrational games – they all come to life! You want to go back in time and relive those moments one more time, perhaps, one last time. You feel the sudden urge to make a few phone calls.
A long drive will do that to you. It will either bring out the past and break your heart all over again or make you smile for all the memories and experiences you have gained so far. It will have an effect for sure – it soothes you, relaxes your senses and prepares you for the next challenge; a long drive is always worth it!
I try hard, turn sides, count from 1-100, hum lengthiest songs on mute.. but can’t go back to where I was woken up from.. from a dream, which, when I think now, was insanely unrealistic but I loved being a part of it. I want to know what next was to follow. I want to feel the same rush of emotions through me. I want to see where it would have ended. I want to remember where it began from. I don’t want to let it go… I want to be there, in that scene, even if it means dreaming again!!
Why is life unfair at times? Like, right now. Or is it extremely fair? Like, I was made to see and be a part of what I would have loved, but since it could never be my reality, I was offered to experience it in the dreams. Fair enough? Should I rejoice or remorse? I don’t know!!
Whatever it is, dreams are crazily beautiful. They allow us to be silly, wild, irrational, quixotic and abstract at times. Sometimes dreams make us super happy. Well, does that count? Sometimes when they leave us scattered and shocked, we are thankful that it was just a dream. How conveniently we change!!
…And yes, I accept that I am a dreamer… for my love for the Moon is unparalleled. We whisper and share stories. When the Moon is away, I create stories in my dreams. And some, like this one today, is left unfinished. I won’t leave the conclusion on the leaps of my imagination; rather I will sleep tonight in a hope to continue from where I stopped. Or to start a new tale. I will find my way through the moonlight, dream again and punish myself by seeing the dawn before anyone else!!
Every time she says this, my heart skips a beat. I feel a thump in my heart and something doesn’t feel nice. I hate it as much as I take pride in seeing the beautiful person that she is growing into. Sometimes emotional, sometimes watery and sometimes my loving eyes look at her in sheer amazement. When did she grow so big? Wasn’t it yesterday when we announced that a girl, with absolute resemblance to her father, was born?
Many of her games have now become an oblivious history. We don’t remember them, we don’t talk about them. Her ability to express what she wants brings a sense of joy but also (indirectly) implies about her self sufficiency, which distances her dependence on me. I do not take off her shoes and socks anymore, I do not sit with a glass of water waiting for her to finish drinking, bedtime stories have replaced the lullabies, her assertiveness has taken over the ‘I do not know how I feel’ emotion, pedaling her tricycle is the kind of new lap and stroller is nothing but an additional thing in the storeroom. I cry when I see her old videos and smile when I see her pretend and play!
With each week, day and minute, she is moving towards her individualistic life. With each second of the clock, she is drifting from dependent independence to an independent dependence; and I? Well, I happily witness this change and try to hold as much as I can in my memories. I wish I had the power to control the pace with which she is growing. But above all, I now understand what my mother must have felt when I once said –
It was a night analogous to many others in the past, yet, it was new. What was it? My daunting thoughts or my extreme fearlessness; my strength or timidity? My unparalleled independence or emotional dependence? I don’t know. All I know is that it was only the Moon, my wandering questions and myself that saw the midnight turn into dawn, and dawn into the morning!
Many times I ask myself – what is strength, And every-time I get caught in my own confusion. Is it standing for what is right or living with injustice? Is it being with someone against all odds or being able to live without someone inseparable? People often take pride in expressing how strong they are to live a life that they don’t like, a life that they never expected. Is this what strength implies? What do we call it when people fight the circumstances for what they want, to be with who they want to be with? Is that strength? Opposite implications of the same word!! The more I think about it, the more composite it sounds!
I don’t know all this at all.. What I know is that I want to live in a place where emotions are respected, where people genuinely care; where love isn’t a metaphor for sex. A place where silence is not misunderstood for timidity and aggression doesn’t stand for strength; where keeping promises mean self-pride and helping someone doesn’t imply expecting something in return. A place that is for real. A place where people are not considered crazy if they laugh all day long; where tears have value; Where the only colors known are the colors of flowers and not the colors of skin. A place where people are not judged on petite angles; where the senses breathe freely!!
If I continue to think about it now, I will have another night of listening to the clock tick every minute. So, I pull back my rambling thoughts, plug in my earplugs and listen to this evergreen track before I fall into slumber and let my dreams take over!!!
We live in a society where we objurgate a liar and at the same time have difficulty accepting the truth. We live with double standards, we live in secrecy. Let’s accept it that somewhere we all have concealed thoughts. Someone may have secret feelings and some may have covert fears. Some may have hidden ambitions and some may have secret faith. What do we say about secret love and admirers? Unseeable memories and emotional pain do exist. We all have them. In the moments of solace, we face our otherwise masked thoughts and keep them intact until another such moment comes.
The enigma of life has always amazed me. Perhaps it is the love, propriety, insecurities, pragmatic needs, fear of being judged or responsibilities that keeps people from bringing out the innermost thoughts known only to them.
The Creator has played very smartly… We have been bestowed with the ability to know people but we cannot, under any situation or circumstance read a person’s mind… no matter how close a relationship that may be. In all (brutal) honesty, believing that we know someone in and out is a myth!
So, in a nutshell, no matter how transparent we may call ourselves to be, deep down we all have a side that is known ONLY to us. We all have a secret life. We all have undisclosed truths. We all have our own masks.