I am a big girl now!

‘Bcuz I am a Biggggg girl now’…!!

Every time she says this, my heart skips a beat. I feel a thump in my heart and something doesn’t feel nice. I hate it as much as I take pride in seeing the beautiful person that she is growing into. Sometimes emotional, sometimes watery and sometimes my loving eyes look at her in sheer amazement. When did she grow so big? Wasn’t it yesterday when we announced that a girl, with absolute resemblance to her father, was born?

Many of her games have now become an oblivious history. We don’t remember them, we don’t talk about them. Her ability to express what she wants brings a sense of joy but also (indirectly) implies about her self sufficiency, which distances her dependence on me. I do not take off her shoes and socks anymore, I do not sit with a glass of water waiting for her to finish drinking, bedtime stories have replaced the lullabies, her assertiveness has taken over the ‘I do not know how I feel’ emotion, pedaling her tricycle is the kind of new lap and stroller is nothing but an additional thing in the storeroom. I cry when I see her old videos and smile when I see her pretend and play!

With each week, day and minute, she is moving towards her individualistic life. With each second of the clock, she is drifting from dependent independence to an independent dependence; and I? Well, I happily witness this change and try to hold as much as I can in my memories. I wish I had the power to control the pace with which she is growing. But above all, I now understand what my mother must have felt when I once said –

‘Because I am a big girl now’!!

Diary enrty_Sweden_16th Oct_12:15 AM_Daunting thoughts!

That night I couldn’t sleep!!

It was a night analogous to many others in the past, yet, it was new. What was it? My daunting thoughts or my extreme fearlessness; my strength or timidity? My unparalleled independence or emotional dependence? I don’t know. All I know is that it was only the Moon, my wandering questions and myself that saw the midnight turn into dawn, and dawn into the morning!

Many times I ask myself – what is strength, And every-time I get caught in my own confusion. Is it standing for what is right or living with injustice? Is it being with someone against all odds or being able to live without someone inseparable? People often take pride in expressing how strong they are to live a life that they don’t like, a life that they never expected. Is this what strength implies? What do we call it when people fight the circumstances for what they want, to be with who they want to be with? Is that strength? Opposite implications of the same word!! The more I think about it, the more composite it sounds!

I don’t know all this at all.. What I know is that I want to live in a place where emotions are respected, where people genuinely care; where love isn’t a metaphor for sex. A place where silence is not misunderstood for timidity and aggression doesn’t stand for strength; where keeping promises mean self-pride and helping someone doesn’t imply expecting something in return. A place that is for real. A place where people are not considered crazy if they laugh all day long; where tears have value; Where the only colors known are the colors of flowers and not the colors of skin. A place where people are not judged on petite angles; where the senses breathe freely!!

If I continue to think about it now, I will have another night of listening to the clock tick every minute. So, I pull back my rambling thoughts, plug in my earplugs and listen to this evergreen track before I fall into slumber and let my dreams take over!!!

For, it’s life and it’s supposed to be complex!!

Night!!!
Night!!!

Diary entry_Sweden_26th Mar’18_12:05 AM_Complexity!

.

. And I observe & laugh again!!

We live in a society where we objurgate a liar and at the same time have difficulty accepting the truth. We live with double standards, we live in secrecy. Let’s accept it that somewhere we all have concealed thoughts. Someone may have secret feelings and some may have covert fears. Some may have hidden ambitions and some may have secret faith. What do we say about secret love and admirers? Unseeable memories and emotional pain do exist. We all have them. In the moments of solace, we face our otherwise masked thoughts and keep them intact until another such moment comes.

The enigma of life has always amazed me. Perhaps it is the love, propriety, insecurities, pragmatic needs, fear of being judged or responsibilities that keeps people from bringing out the innermost thoughts known only to them.

The Creator has played very smartly… We have been bestowed with the ability to know people but we cannot, under any situation or circumstance read a person’s mind… no matter how close a relationship that may be. In all (brutal) honesty, believing that we know someone in and out is a myth!

So, in a nutshell, no matter how transparent we may call ourselves to be, deep down we all have a side that is known ONLY to us. We all have a secret life. We all have undisclosed truths. We all have our own masks.

There is nothing like an open book!

Diary entry_Sweden_1st Mar’18_5:30 AM_Mixed feelings!

Well, it does matter; even though I said thousands of time that it doesn’t!

I was about to turn 33 and it made me feel a little strange. Mixed feelings in all veracity! On one hand, I was delighted that I had lived 32 years of my life and had been through a lot, really a lot of experiences. When I see young girls do crazy stuff, I smile and say in my head – I have been there and done that. So I kind of felt accomplished and grateful at the same time. Also, I feel more worthy now for I have a life, oh, two lives to really take care of and they make me feel like a superwoman. But the flip side of the coin is that no matter how lovely a feeling it is to grow old and feel a little more in control of yourself, to feel more confident in being just you, to feel more open and accommodating to everything, to feel more forgiving than before, to feel more choosy about all that you want in life; there is a thump, a stiff blow that pulls down my spirits and makes me feel ‘old’. The Squash court was the first one to make me realize that I was not as ‘energetic’ as I used to be and that my stamina drained a bit as compared to last year. I so disliked my racket and the court at that moment. To be honest – even today! So there I was, perspiring! Sulking! I wanted my ever wandering crazy thoughts to halt for some time and accept that almost half of my life was already lived, I only had (optimistically) half more to go!

Is it right that age is just a number? I don’t think so. Something does change. Something does happen to you. While talking to a colleague at work, I casually mentioned how parched my thoughts were about my approaching birthday. Contrastingly, in yesteryears, I used to start counting the days two months in advance. I looked sleep deprived a week before. The excitement was uncontrollable and my dreamy world had all kinds of plans ready – their execution not decided though; but the surreal ideas existed way before the D day. My birthday dress used to be sorted and the list of people to attend my birthday treat was decided almost a month before. This is how I was until I turned 30.

The number ‘30’ brought an automatic, interesting change in my perception and birthdays to me looked more meaningful, if spent in presence of loved ones. I changed my notion of spending extravagant and glamorous birthdays to a soft private affair. I got attracted to love more than gifts and quality over quantity of birthday calls and messages. It didn’t matter whether I dressed in new clothes, what mattered though was whether someone made me feel special or not. Then by 32, I was a mother and I felt ecstatic when my daughter clapped for me humming the birthday song in her own way. That was special, I believed! So reiterating, something does change with age. Willingly or unwillingly, something does change!

I remember the time when I was young, in the early twenties, or when I was a lass (this sounds better) I looked at ‘women’ in thirties as someone so grown up and mature. Now, that the tables have turned, I am sure I am looked at in the same way by other young girls. Amidst all this, I asked myself, am I happy? ‘Yes’ came a prompt reply from within. ‘Would I want to go back and live the same age again?’ ‘No’ was a swift response. It won’t be exciting to be in the same place or age forever. So, even though I have mixed feelings about growing old, I am absolutely sure that I would not want to stay in the twenties forever. Or in the thirties or forties and so on.

Berthing the assorted emotions at the wharf, for now, I believe that birthdays are always charming. It’s one day of the year that is only yours or someone’s for that matter. 364 days may go unnoticed, but this one day makes one realize how important their existence is to others. How much valued they are! It’s a day to reflect and rejoice. It’s a day to express. It’s a day to speak with the loved ones. So coming back to where I began – if I say that I do not feel excited about my birthdays or if I say that birthdays don’t matter because it’s just a day; within myself, I know, we all know that it does matter. Birthdays are and will always be exceptional.

After all, growing old has its own appeal!

What’s left, matters!

In this phase of life, I have become somewhat greedier. My thirst for venturing into new places and travel to new countries has increased manifolds and I have, in a true sense, become a voracious traveler.

Someone looked at the fridge magnets that I collect from every city, every country I go to and expressed appreciation. I swiftly pointed at the globe in my apartment to show how much more there still is to explore.

As per a calculation, I have just covered 11% of the world that includes 20 countries and 76 cities around the globe. It’s not something I want to bask in the glory of, it’s alarming that there is 89% of the world to be covered with I don’t know how much time  in hand.

My bucket list includes – NYC, Antarctica, Brazil, Kenya and Jordan for sure. Actually, everything is on my wish list. O God, if you are listening, please be kind to allow me to see as many places as I can before you call me to rest in your abode, forever!

******Been there and seen that -******

Mauritius

Denmark

France

Netherlands

Sweden

UK

Wales

Scotland

Italy

Spain

Switzerland

Czech Republic

Hungary

Finland

Indonesia

Malaysia

Vatican

Monaco

Belgium

India